High School Graduate Wisdom

5 words of wisdom I would pass on to graduates…
1. Don’t ever date someone with orange skin. If your friends can say these words “She’s Hulk Hogan orange” then the relationship will always end poorly. (Are you listening Matt Leinart?) BONUS advice: Stay away from anyone named Paris or Tara…

2. Never, ever answer your youth pastor friends “What are you doing tonight?” with the answer “I am a part of the meat rubbing team.” Stupid BBQ…

3. Ignore whatever your college dorm policies are. For the most part, they are asking other students to be the enforcers, which never, ever works well. If the RA enforces it, then he is the jerk and bad things happen.

(Bonus story: During my freshman year at UGA, our RA was a pretty good jerk. So one weekend when he went home, we found crazy Wayne sliding some yellow discs under the RA’s door. When asked about it, Crazy Wayne announced that it was his own urine, frozen and sliced for this purpose. So every time the RA went home, he would come back to puddles of urine. He must have had the lock changed 10 times that year. And at one point, he threatened to do DNA tests (can you see he was a jerk?) so Crazy Wayne started using his girlfriend’s urine. And yes, we started calling Wayne “Crazy Wayne” before this point.)

Double bonus story: In order to get out of a bad rooming situation, break a window, say you broke it in a fight and pay the $25. It is amazing how well this works.

4. Learn how to survive on minimal amounts of food. At some point in your college life, you are going to squander your wealth. Maybe on that date with that one girl who is too high maintenance, maybe on too much pizza. It will happen. And when it happens, you need to be ready. The college dream team of Ben, Chris and myself scrapped together $20 and lived on a warehouse size thing of pancake batter for 2 and a half weeks during my junior year of college. At the end, we were just mixing it and eating it raw. I really, really think Ben decided to marry then-girlfriend Grace when she came over and cooked us Hamburger Helper one night. That’s right- Hamburger Helper was a significant milestone in their relationship.

5. In the words of the great Tripp McNeely, “Oh, that, and bring rubber flip-flops in the shower. I got warts all over my feet.”